Here is my second effort in the writing contest, the Flash Fiction Challenge 2016.  The assignment was to write a short story in the comedy genre, with the setting of a community garden, and use gummy bears in the story.   I really took the feedback from my first story seriously and edited the heck out of this one.  And so they say – learn by doing.

The Plot

An older couple travels to their Community Garden intending to plant green beans, but everything seems a little strange this morning.

 

Ellen gave Ralph a pencil and pad of paper. He followed her to the garage. She wore an old pair of grey slacks and a pink shirt. A straw hat hid the grey streaks in her brown hair. He wore his usual blue shirt and brown pants with his ever present baseball cap covering his thinning hair.

She rummaged through the toolbox, handing him a spade and a pair of gloves, and added a hoe and a rake, that were leaning against the wall. Since he had both hands full, he tucked the hoe and the rake under his arm.

“We need potting soil, the good kind.” she said, “write that down.”

“Yes hon.” He rolled his eyes and tried to wiggle the pencil into position to write. The spade slipped free, clanging as it hit the concrete. The rest of the tools followed. When the clanging and banging stopped, he wrote ’potting soil, the good kind’.

Ellen removed her hands from over her ears. “Shit!”

“Yes hon.” He scribbled ’manure’.

“Please, put that stuff in the car.” She walked back into the house.

“Yes hon.” He stooped to pick up the tools. As he entered the kitchen a short while later, she was closing a bag labeled ’green bean seeds’.

She turned to look at him. “Ralph! You can’t wear those shoes. They will be ruined. You’ll be complaining about your feet hurting all day.”

“Yes hon.” He shook his head and went to the bedroom, grumbling. When he returned, he found his wife with her purse slung over her shoulder, clutching the bag of seeds.

“Did you get gas?” She asked, as they walked out to the car.

“Uh, sure hon.” He replied.

A large woman with frizzy red hair, wearing a yellow shirt and overhauls, greeted them outside the Richardson Community Gardens.

“Hello! Want to become members?” she bellowed, waving a handful of blank forms. “I’m Beth Regent, coordinator.”

Ellen flinched. “I’m Ellen Carroll. This is my husband, Ralph. We are members. We have a plot.”

“Well! Putting on airs, because you have a plot! You better obey the rules! No exceptions! People have been evicted!” Beth wheeled, nose in the air, and strode through the gate.

“Well I never!” Ellen said.

Ralph was standing, awkwardly clutching all the tools.

“Go get a cart, Ralph. We can’t carry all these things.”

“Yes hon.” He dropped the tools and followed Ms. Regent.

Ellen waited, and waited, but he did not return. She marched through the gate. “Ralph!” she practically shouted, as she found him happily munching free samples of strawberries, and smiling at a pretty young lady in a t-shirt, with a strategically placed message ‘Try our melons’.

After collecting her husband, Ellen led the way to the plot they were renting. She checked that the raised bed was ready for planting their green beans.

“What a nice looking planting bed.” A tall extremely plump man, wearing an orange cap, stood in the path. “I’m T. Dean Rogers. My brother and I have the plot beside yours.”

Another tall extremely plump man walked up beside the first. They were as alike as two peas in a pod. “Hello. I’m T. Duff Rogers. What a terrible looking planting bed.”

“Uh, well, I think it will be okay.” Ellen replied, glancing back and forth, between the brothers. Trying to be polite, she asked what the ‘T’ stood for.

“Twin.” the twins chorused. “It’s a family name.”

Ellen stepped back beside her husband. “Oh. Okay. Uh, excuse us please, we have lots of work to do. Right Ralph?”

“Yes hon.” he said nodding vigorously. They watched the twins waddle away.

Ellen took a deep breath. “Start here Ralph. Dig holes four inches apart and one inch deep.”

“Yes hon.” He nodded. They worked their way down the bed, Ralph digging, and Ellen dropping seeds in each hole and smoothing the dirt over it.

“What’s this?” Ellen pulled a bright red gummy bear from the hole in front of her. Ralph leaned over the hole he had just dug, and held out a bright green gummy bear.

“STOP! STOP!” A young girl with blue eyes and blond curls was standing in the path. She was holding a sack of gummy bears. “You mustn’t dig them up! They won’t grow up to be kittens.”

“Kittens?” Ellen asked. “These are gummy bears.”

“I know that!” the child replied. She held out her hand. “Give me my gummy bears, I’ll plant them somewhere else.”

“Why do you think they become kittens?” Ralph’s voice grated. He cleared his throat.

“Jeffry tol’ me.” the little girl frowned. “He’s my brother an he knows everythin’.” She kicked the edge of the raised bed and stomped her feet.

“Wait! I think we can put these back. Okay?” Ralph wheezed, taking the gummy bears from his wife’s hand and returning them to their holes in the ground.

A big smile bloomed on the little girl’s face.. “Thank you, Oh, thank you!”

The shuffling sound of many feet interrupted them. Lines of school children marched down the path from the Schoolyard section of the garden. Their field trip was over. They were going back to school. “Hurry children, or we’ll be late!.” A thin harried looking man pulled out his old fashioned pocket watch. “Belinda! Belinda come along, we can’t be late.” he called to the little girl.

“Bye. Thank you for putting my gummy bears back.” Belinda dashed after the school children.

The rest of the planting was accomplished in silence. They packed up their things, walked slowly back to the car and drove away.

“That was nice of you Ralph. Putting those gummy bears back.” Ellen smiled at her husband.

“Yes hon.” he replied, right before the car sputtered to a stop, out of gas.

The End

REVIEWS

So here is the feedback from my second story.   Wow, this time I came out at the top of my group, receiving 15 points for my efforts.

Dear Wava Devin,

The feedback from the judges on your Flash Fiction Challenge 2016 submission from Challenge #2 is below.  We hope you find the feedback helpful and thank you again for participating!

”The plot” by Wava Devin

WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY –                                                              {1710}  I enjoyed the opening scene and how entertaining it was to see the couple’s relationship dynamics unfold. Ralph’s apparent lack of personality was hilarious.…  {1733}  The repetition within the piece really made it shine. It’s an exceptional tool when used to give a story structure, and it truly served as a spine to this couple, telling so much about their relationship as well as adding fun to the story.       {1703}  Sweet, light story. Sparse, but effective in drawing the characters’ distinct portraits. The repetition adds to the dutiful nature of gardening, interrupted by the little girl’s fanciful planting of gummy bears.…

WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK –                                                                             {1710}  I recommend revisiting the title and synopsis to pull in your readers. I also recommend adding more significance to the interactions with other characters in the community plot, or removing them altogether.…                                                               {1733}  I would suggest embellishing the part of the story with the gummy bear garden because it felt, in a way, shoe-horned in with an otherwise uneventful but so fascinating romp in this adorable couple. Perhaps if there had been more of a tie in to the “yes hon” backbone, it wouldn’t have felt so far away from the rest of the story. Ellen could have given Ralph instructions on how to fix the garden, for example, with their signature exchange. Perhaps this could have led to an opportunity to show off a second “catch phrase” moment between them in the same vein to create another lovely moment of discovery.                                                    {1703}  The setting could be a little more fleshed out. We get the sense that it is elite in some way, due to the coordinator’s pretensions, yet there are children rummaging through. A fuller picture of the scene would be nice.…