I decided that I benefited so much from participating in this contest in 2016 that I should do it again and see how much I’ve improved my craft. Here’s my 1st Round Story and the assignment is an Action/Adventure story set in a ski lodge that includes a butterfly.
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Synopsis: More adventure than you could imagine on a trip to tag Monarch butterflies during their spring migration.
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I hear brush snapping! Breaking! Crushed by a heavy weight! He’s behind me. But to my left, not on the trail. Can he cut me off?
I’m exhausted. I force myself to run but nearly stumble over snarled exposed roots. I have to run! I have to stay on the trail. The woods are a tangle of downed trees and brush. If I leave the trail, I won’t be able to run! He’ll catch me.
The trail climbs. It’s leading up the mountain. I hope it leads where I want to go. My legs are cramping, but I’m running again, lost in a nightmare. The path opens into a meadow, carpeted in wildflowers, sloping gently upward. Silhouetted against the sky is the peaked roof of the old lodge. My heart leaps! I’ve got to move fast now. He can catch me on open ground. God! If I can only reach the building! Gasping, I struggle up the slope.
This can’t be happening to me. Did Charlie make it? Is he alive? I should never have left him. Why did I ever agree to this trip? I remember Charlie’s laughing eyes as he teased me until I gave in.
A savage growl erupts from the woods behind me. He’s seen me!
I’m running faster than I ever thought I could. There are no lights in the old lodge. I know it is abandoned. Pounding on a locked door won’t save me. I veer toward a trellis that reaches to the roof of the covered porch.
Huff. Huff. Huff. He’s breathing hard from the run. It’s so loud, I hear it over my own gasping breath. His paws thud on the ground.
I climb as if the hounds of hell are after me. The trellis shakes as he hits the bottom. God! Don’t let me fall now! My fingers lock on the rain gutter and I lunge upward, pulling myself halfway onto the roof. The trellis gives way beneath my feet. It falls, smashed by my angry, frustrated pursuer.
I scramble up until I’m lying on the roof. Growls and roars continue below. I try to catch my breath. Am I safe?
Suddenly, the whole porch roof shakes beneath me! He’s attacking the posts that support it!
I’m sobbing, as I crawl to a window. It’s locked, of course. There’s nothing here to hold on to. The roof is shaking violently from his assaults. It’s going to collapse!
I remove my boot and start beating on the window glass. It takes several blows before it shatters. I keep pounding, destroying the remaining shards until I can crawl through into a small room. Feeling faint, I slump to the floor. I can’t stop shaking and close my eyes. I can still hear the tantrum of sound, the fury of destruction, outside.
I open my eyes. It’s quiet. Did I fall asleep? It’s still daylight. Sitting up, I check my pockets. No cell phone. I realize that I have no way to get help unless Charlie survived and comes to save me. I get up and creep silently to the window to peer out.
He’s pacing back and forth on the grass, yards from the building. I get my second look at the creature that invaded my life this morning. Suddenly he rears up, eyes focused on me, watching. There are shades of brown and black in his coat. The sunlight highlights gold when he moves.
Was it just yesterday that Charlie and I camped at the foot of the overgrown road to this place? The Hidden Valley Ski Lodge was abandoned years ago. We planned to hike up to the lodge in search of gold. The gold of Monarch’s wings. Charlie’s a naturalist, a graduate student at the university. We met such a short time ago. I was eager to be with Charlie. Maybe to fall in love.
Terror charged into our camp just after breakfast. It went for Charlie. I was screaming! Charlie was screaming! I snatched up the coffee pot and hurled it at the monster. He had Charlie on the ground, but the sudden pain of the hot liquid caused him to swing his massive head around and stare directly at me, lips peeled back from glistening fangs.
We stood there forever. Adrenaline suddenly roared through my veins! I whirled and took off into the woods. Fickle luck put my feet on a clear path. I was flying, but only seconds passed before I heard him crashing into the woods. And so the race began.
I won. I’m safe. I fall asleep, huddled there by the window. When my eyes open, gold glints on the windowsill. Wings slowly lifting and falling, a Monarch butterfly clings to the edge, only a few inches away. I hold my breath, and tears run silently down my cheeks. Such beauty after such horror.
I’m in shock, not quite sane when I whisper. “Please, please butterfly. Please tell Charlie to come get me.” The soft puff of my breath alters the butterfly’s smooth wingbeat. As if hearing me, he flits away, swooping out over the meadow. He glides down near my adversary, who raises up as if to swat him, but the butterfly zigs and climbs out of reach. Then he flutters across the meadow and out of sight. I feel a tiny spark of hope.
I turn away from the window and watch shadows slip across the room, fleeing the sun.
Dusk brings the sound of four-wheel drive vehicles struggling up the road to the lodge. Doors slam. Dogs bark. Everyone’s calling my name. I look outside. There’s Charlie, shoulder swathed in bandages, being helped from a truck. My eyes search the spot where the bear waited all afternoon. He is gone. I am crying again. Tears of thanks. Then I remember the Monarch, and for just a moment I wonder.
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I was pleased to receive 10 points for my story. I prefer to think of it as having the 6th best story in my group. Here is the judges’ feedback.
Dear Wava Devin,
The feedback from the judges on your Challenge #1 submission from the Flash Fiction Challenge 2018 is below. We hope you find the feedback helpful and best of luck in Challenge #2 kicking off at 11:59PM EDT on Friday, September 14th!
”Tagging Monarchs” by Wava Devin – WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – {1504} The story has effective elements of the action/adventure category. The rapid pace is a plus. The ending has a strong sense of resolution. {1651} There’s a sense of urgency and suspense in the story as the main character narrowly escapes being captured/injured. {1569} Opening in the middle of a chase was a good choice. The narrator felt authentic. Action was well described – and practically non-stop.
WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – {1504} It takes some suspension of disbelief that the protagonist could outrun a bear. Perhaps you could even out the playing field by the character’s wondering if he sees that the bear has a slight limp. You might consider a title that’s more of a hook by referencing the adversary’s pursuit. {1651} I don’t think you gain much benefit from withholding the fact that this creature is a bear until the very end. It doesn’t feel like a twist because you call him creature and also describe how he behaves and the colors of his fur. I think it could work if at the end, it’s revealed that he is only a dog and Charlie comes up to the house laughing and saying it’s only a dog and to come out/the dog won’t hurt you. {1569} Keeping the identity of the pursuer a secret felt artificial, and the reveal didn’t add to the story’s experience. The ending might have worked better had their been another moment of danger action sequence. The narrator’s rescue felt a little like “deux ex machina” and might have worked better had the narrator been more involved in actively achieving it. As it is, the narrator a) threw a coffee pot b) ran away and c) hid out of reach of the bear.
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